October 1, 2008

Humour: How to read horse ads

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From a friend of mine in Horsemasters. You’ll snicker if you’ve ever read through horse sale ads.

BIG TROT: Can’t canter within a 2 mile stretch
NICELY STARTED: Lunges, but we don’t have enough insurance to ride him yet
TOP SHOW HORSE: Won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
HOME BRED: Knows nothing despite being home-grown
BOLD: Runaway
GOOD MOVER: Runaway
ATHLETIC: Runaway
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: Runaway
NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER: DEAD Runaway
DEAD QUIET: Just dead
SPIRITED: Psychotic
RECENTLY VETTED: Someone else found something badly wrong with this horse
ANY VET CHECK WELCOME: Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
BIG BONED: Good this has mane and tail or would be mistaken for cow
DOING COURSES: When tranquilised to the eyeballs and lunged six hours straight before
WELL MANNERED: Hasn’t stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: Hasn’t stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a week
STARTED O/F: Started overfeeding because can’t ride
SHOULD MATURE 16 HANDS. Currently 13hh, dam is 14.2hh, sire is 15hh, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15hh, but this horse will defy his DNA and grow
TO GOOD HOME ONLY: Not really for sale unless you can pay twice what he is worth, allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night, and are willing to sign a 10 page legal document.
NO VICES: Especially when he wears his muzzle
LIGHT CRIBBER: We can’t afford to build any more stable and fences for this chainsaw
NO TIME FOR HIM: He’s lucky to be fed
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: Never been out of his stable
GOOD TO CLIP, SHOE, BOX: Clippety clippety is the sound his hooves make when he drags you across the yard as you try to box him
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME: Rider cannot afford to spend any more time in hospital
WELL BRED: Mother and father are also brother and sister
BLACK: Brown and/or dirty
SUIT EVENTING: No brakes
SUIT DRESSAGE: No accelerator
SUIT ANYONE: Except us, we hate him
ALWAYS IN RIBBONS: The shows we went to gave complementary rossettes for all who entered
ALWAYS PLACED: The shows we went to were so small that there were no more than 3 in each class
GOOD AT SJ: All the classes we entered were minimus (jumps under 1 foot)

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