July 31, 2009

Why did Ceffyl disappear again?

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Ceffyl has been stressed:

  • Three sick cats: two have recovered from a UTI, third might have one (or she has a behavioral issue).
  • My mare, Isis, was diagnosed with EPM (serious neurological disease) and just finished the first month of treatment. All of this started in May. If you know me, then you know this is my kid and anything that happens to her gets me Seriously Upset.
  • Unsure about my job.

I’ve had plenty of times when my horses and cats were sick. Ambush is my second diabetic cat. Isis has insulin resistance (equine metabolic disorder) which is rather like a pre-diabetic condition in a horse. She was diagnosed about five years ago, so I’m used to dealing with her special requirements. EPM is a whole second level…

However, when you’ve just spent half of your savings on your horse and cats, and suddenly the income source (with which savings can be replenished) might be gone…It’s nerve wracking.

I love my job: fun technology, gaming nights on Wednesdays, and a bunch of great people. What’s not to like? Of course, there is no official news and nothing that says I’m in danger. However, the under currents have a similar feel to other times when I’ve been laid off.

My concern about the job is not an extension of my emotional reaction to Isis’ EPM or the cats’ illnesses/misbehaving. There are specific reasons I’m concerned and they are not related to my job performance.

I know, theoretically, that there is nothing I can do about being laid off and I shouldn’t worry about it. It will either happen or it won’t.

I am being proactive, both at work and outside of work. At work, I’m making suggestions to help sales and reduce costs. Long hours, being seen, and all that. Outside of work, I’m getting my freelancing going again, I’m out networking, and I’m sending off resumes. I’ve applied for 15+ positions over the past three weeks. (Of these, two have sent rejection letters and the rest have been silent.) I’ve drummed up business leads for freelancing through networking, but no real paid gigs.

From what I’ve read on the tech writing lists, it’s very hard getting an interview much less landing a position. Employers have their pick of candidates. As a candidate, I have to be extra aggressive to make sure and contact people about my resume if I don’t hear back. I haven’t done that. Maybe I’m only half-heartedly searching because I don’t want to admit that there might be Something Bad coming.

Any way you slice it, I’m wired and stressed. I’ve used some of my stress management techniques and am carefully trying to pick my way through to juggle everything and build savings.

The barn has been my sanity and also a mixed blessing. Everything is right in the world when I’m with Isis–and then I think about Isis’ battle with EPM. Watching Isis walk around dragging her back foot has been hard — but her movement has also gotten better. She’s not dragging it as much as she was. She’s able to step underneath herself cleanly, where as in June she could barely step to the side. (Next Tuesday her blood will be tested for EPM again — and we will know if one month treatment is enough or if another month of Oh-My-God-Expensive-Stuff is needed.)

Ten weeks since I’ve ridden Isis and counting. (Although we’re getting ready to break Kasane, so I’ll be riding before Isis has fully recovered.)

Thanks for listening to the rambling vent. I could use a break but I don’t have the funds to do it. Everything is focused on freelancing, job hunting, and Isis. There comes a point when you just have to write everything out.

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