December 20, 2007

No Hope for “The Last Legion”

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Wow. This was bad. This was bad beyond bad. It’s like Ed Wood tried to write a movie based upon TH White’s Sword in the Stone and instead ended up with the script for “Arthur: Men in Anachronous Armor.” It’s like the movie also borrowed heavily from the left over equipment of the recent movie “Arthur” (another Really Bad Movie).

Okay, they ride with stirrups and wrong saddles (saddle seat saddles! hello!). The works of Hadrian’s Wall look closer to the old painted styrofoam sets from Star Trek. Half of the “hits” don’t actually connect and people still fall. It’s really funny. Poor horses. The “soldiers” can’t ride and instead bouncy bouncy on the animals’ backs.

Slant Magazine’s review summed up this gem with the following remark:

Apparently the ancient sword that Caesar finds after randomly falling through a castle floor’s hole served one cause: truth. In the present, the sword’s single-minded purpose is cutting people up. Amidst all the carnage, Mira makes a dramatic return to the water and Merlin foists the deformed freak who branded him against his will into a humongous tree’s fiery, gaping hole. And it’s at this exact point that you realize that nothing could have saved this witless movie experience unless it had cut to a yeast infection commercial.

The most outrageous thing of all? Julius Caesar’s sword was actually Excalibur! (barf) The big climactic battle and the boy-emperor says no more fighting! Hurls the sword and guess that? It lands in a stone. And at the end of the movie the son of the boy who was “of Caesar’s blood” has a son by the name of — guess what? Arthur!

Arg. Why did I was 97 minutes on this? No wonder the Rotten Tomatoes movie site only gave it 16%.

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